Cut

I've never paid for a haircut in my life, thanks to my mother who was a beautician. Now I'm trying something I haven't done since I was in elementary school - bangs. Not just any band. Straight across bangs. I'm super nervous. Pictures to come

Pre Thanksgiving

So for the past 3 days my sisters and I have been cleaning the house like mad for the arrival of family for the holiday. Yesterday I donated blood and felt awesome. But today I woke up with a cold :( and I had to work. Thankfully my parents bought me Puffs tissues and DayQuil and brought me my Ricola cough drops to work. Now I'm home in my winter nightgown and a tissue up my nose. Ugh I'm ready for bed.

As of today

   It was brought to my attention that I actually have a blog and that I haven't posted in a long time. So here is an update.

    I went to Southern Utah University for a full year, 2 semesters, before I realized that it wasn't for me. The thought of being in that much debt for something that I don't even want to do is just agonizing. They don't really teach what I would want to learn so, Uni isn't for me. My last semester, I didn't register for classes until the day school started, and I only took fun classes. So I have deferred until 2016 and hope to be able to pay back the $3,000 + that one year has cost. The only good that came from going is that I took a Stage Makeup class and have decided that I want a future in makeup. I have done some research and have found a 2 week course at a local beauty college that is less than what I owe SUU. So I'm planning on saving up for that and doing freelance work. I've already started a portfolio on my Facebook page here: Neilly-wa's Portfolio.
    I don't work at the local gas station any more (THANK YOU JESUS!!!), but at one of the Best Westerns in town. I work the weekends, front desk, nights. Its hard sleeping during the day and being up all night - hopefully a change will be coming my way very soon. In the meantime, I am saving up for Phlebotomy School; I can be Nationally Certified in 50 hours for less than $400. (This price and the price of the makeup course is still less that what I owe SUU). I hope to be able to go in January, and then shortly after that I plan to move to Washington to be with my best friend and her kids who are my god children. I'm excited for this change!
    While talking to my sister Trayci-la, her only advice was to get a car before I go. So I applied for an auto loan from my credit union. I mainly did it to see if I could qualify at all - as far as I knew, I had no credit and I only get paid minimum wage. Surprisingly I have great credit and totally qualify! So now I'm trying to decide what to do, what to get and the best way to go about that. Having a car seems...awfully grown-up and I don't know if I want to haha.
    Sadly, since I've moved to Cedar, I've been struggling spiritually. I'm not going to go into details but I've been taking an Institute of Religion class called The Atonement, Repentance, and Forgiveness. It has been amazing and always seems to speak to me right when I need it. I have recently made the goal to be Temple worthy by late January before I move. I really hope this works this time. It seems that a two month mark is all I can do before I stubble again. I also hope to go on a mission but I don't know if a traditional mission is in the cards.
     Um... lets see... I'm still single, much to my chagrin. So I have devised a plan for my future that doesn't involve a man, for once in my life. With phlebotomy and freelancing under my belt, I plan to save enough to move to Scotland. I've done some research and found a website that gives detailed instructions on moving there, I've also found an employment website and phlebotomists are needed. I have given myself 5-10 years to complete this - I hope to eventually move onto ancestral lands in a cabin and have a small farm. I'll live off the land and be able to do freelance and blood-work when I need or want. If I get married before this happens, great. If I get married afterwards, even better. But I'm not planning on it anymore. If I go by my sisters lives, I won't get married. So I'm preparing now, I'm gonna live my life and live it the way I want. If "he" comes along, great, but I'm not gonna sit around and wait for him anymore.

   I'm on tumblr a lot more than Facebook these days and I enjoy it a lot. Feel free to check it out.

Anyways, I think that's it. TTFN!

2012

wow - long time. um I got a job at a local gas station. Things have been pretty rocky and I'm hoping to find a new job soon, one that has nothing to do with food and no uniforms. Um I am hoping to start college in the Fall but I need to do some further investigating into that. This year I'm hoping to become more healthy, and making it a lifestyle, not just a diet. I've also started saving for a trip to Paris and the UK in 2015 with one of my best friends. I hope things work out for that. And I am also planning on changing my wardrobe to fit my love for vintage and rockabilly things. Any ways I hope all is well and all that jazz...not that anyone reads this...

going through electronic "trash"

For the longest time I've held onto my Myspace account simply for the fact that I could "pimp it out" but that is no longer the case so I am in the process of deleting it. I had over a thousand pictures on there! I'm letting the ex copy what pics of himself he wants and then it'll be deleted. I went through my 'blogs' on there and decided to post them here for general reading. Now these four poem/short story/musing are from a very personal point of view mainly when I was with my ex. However I won't let that fact keep me from saving them...If you want to use these just give me credit ok? Here they are....

What I see in Him

She kissed him lightly on the lips and

pushed away from his embrace.

His blue eyes watched her every move -

she wished he could see what she saw.

His clothes were worn and baggy.

His hair long, a beard hid his face.

But underneath it all she could see a faint glow.

When she told him, he said he didn’t believe, couldn’t see it.

But she could and that’s why she had given him the key.

She walked away from him, every step a heartache.

Then she stopped and turned back.

His brilliant eyes were still on her.

Then he looked down at the key in his hand.

So she stretched out her hand towards him.

Please?! She thought, oh please.

Be the One.

Be the one for me.

No.

It's his choice.

Don’t cry.

Please? Use the key.

Choose me.

Choose to be with me!

It's his choice.

You wont die if he doesn't choose you.

You’ll just feel like it.

Maybe you’ll just dissolve in your tears.

Please?

Use the key!

USE THE DAMN KEY!

No….

It's his choice.

Oh please?!

I love you!

He looked back up at her,

his face full of sadness doubt yearning

and hope.

A silent tear escaped her brown eyes

to slide down her face as she watched him take a deep breath…..

Wed, Sept. 2 12:29pm 2009

To Be with Me

They seemed to glow, shine almost.

They weren't snow white like everyone said.

White, yes but there were speckles of grey and black.

She had said that she wasn't perfect.

But she was to him.

Perfect and unique and normal and beautiful…

He had known from the moment they met that she was special.

And the more time he spent with her,

the more he was sure she was.

How could she be so normal but so unique?

She was so beautiful,

her smile made his mind go numb and his heart skip a beat.

He still can hardly believe that she loves him…

She made him so happy.

He watched her walk away,

her wings shining in the shadow of the building

and fading in the sunlight.

Her glow never changed though.

And then -

she stopped and turned back to him.

He looked down at the key that she had given him.

It matched the lock around his feet.

He looked back up,

her hand was outstretched towards him.

Her face a mixture of hope and sadness…

and determination.

He looked back at the key and took a deep breath….

Tues Aug 25 11:21pm

Hopeful Future

The sound of the alarm yanked him from the depths of his slumber.
Quickly he raised a hand to the small box and silence filled the air yet again.
As he lay in the dimly lit room he became aware of his surroundings.
He lay on his side with his other arm holding onto her arm that was around his chest.
He could feel her there - snuggled up behind him - they’re legs tangled together.
He could feel the fingers of her other hand twitch with or from sleep in his hair.
And he could feel her breath whisper at his neck which sent a thrill through him.
He stayed there for as long as he could but eventually he had to get up.
Slowly he slid off the bed and out of her embrace.
As he moved, her fingers lightly dug into his skin and then released only to dig in again.
Even in her sleep she didn’t want to let him go.
He knew that was her secret fear.
He understood - it was his fear as well.
Then when all that was left touching were their fingertips she sighed in her sleep as her hand dropped back to the bed.

His heart learched at the sad look on her face; she was so beautiful even when she was asleep -
even when she was sad.
Oh - he loved her so -
everyday his love for her deepened and grew.
A small smile tugged at his mouth as he watched her take his pillow and hug it to her chest.
He took a step forward and,
leaning over,
gently kissed her forehead,
her cheek and
ever so softly
her lips.
Then he walked away and began to get ready for work.

SAT. AUGUST 1, 2009 12:25AM

No more, Now, Someday

No more -

no more will I feel his arms around me.
No more will our lips hover over eachother sending chills and thirlls through me.
No more will I look up into his face and see the beauty hidden there.
No more will our fingers intertwine.
No more will my fingers trace his skin, finding the softest spots or the strangest curves or the outline of his tattoo.
No more will my phone connect me to him.
No more will I hear him say "I love you".
No more will I plan my life with him.

Now -
now my heart stummbles at everything that reminds me of him.
Now I cry at the drop of a hat.
Now I hate that I still love him.
Now I hate that I want him back.
Now I hate that I dont.
Now I feel reduced back to nothing.
Now I feel less than I was.
Now I have a hard time watching movies or listening to music without remembering him or thinking of my current state.
Now I have to find out who I am and what I really want.
Now I leave behind the life I had waited my whole life to have.

Someday -
someday I will get over him.
Someday I will move on.
Someday I will be able to think about him and not have my heart hurt.
Someday I won't cry over him.
Someday life wont remind me of him.
Someday another will find me.
Someday I will have everything I ever wanted.
Someday I will be free of this heartache.
Someday I will be happy again.

Jan 6 2010

Well there you have it. Hope you liked it :)

ITS OFFICIAL!!!

OK so for the 3 of my followers here is my most recent update! lol

At the beginning of the year I was thinking of resolutions and what I wanted to do with my life. School was on the list. I knew that I didn't want to go to school in Vegas just as I knew that I wanted to go to school in Cedar City. But I knew that I'd have to move there, wait a year while working so that I could get residency so that it wouldn't be so expensive. But there was no place for me with my sisters and I already had a very good paying job here in Vegas. So it went on the back burner... until recently.

About a month ago...maybe not even that long my dad said to me "I don't want you to get offended but I think its time you moved back to Cedar and went to school." I chuckled and said "I've actually already been thinking about it." I had become increasingly unhappy with my job and wanted out. So I had been mulling over the idea of a move to Cedar for a while. But here was my ... rough spot; Where was I to live? Where would I work and how would I get around? (I have no car) My oldest and youngest sisters currently live in Cedar with our adopted sister Katie. Katie is the only one with a car... So in search of advice I texted my little sister and asked her if she could talk for a bit. I told her that when dad starts saying what I'm thinking...its a sign - I think its time for me to move back to Cedar. She posed the same questions that I was worried about; Time frame? After Katie getts married in May ... so there will be room for me. "Genius. Didn't even think of that." ( it was pretty late when we had this conversation lol) Where would I work? NOT WITH FOOD! I'm so sick and tired of all the B.S. that goes on with food! I'm DONE! I have currently applied at a sports store and hopefully will apply at a telecommunication place as well. Getting around will still be tricky but there is a bus system that goes through town so hopefully I can use that.

Anyways I was having a hard time deciding when exactly to put in my notice. Then one day last week I had pretty much one of the worse days that I've had there. I wont go into it because it doesn't really matter. But I asked the manager in charge if she was looking to hire anyone for us yet (seeing how its been just 2 of us since January!) and she said "Oh...no. Not yet." I said "Well you better because I'm going to move to Utah to go to school." I had originally said the end of May. She said that she'd wait a few weeks to post the ad for hiring. Then after talking to my little sis I found out why she wanted me there earlier in the month. So after praying about it and sleeping on it I came to the conclusion that my last day should be the 3rd of May. I officially gave my 2 week notice today and I'm SO EXCITED!!!! Yesterday I did a lot of packing and need more boxes lol but yeah...I'm so excited to get out of Vegas! *sigh*